Aquarius

You will have a tough time finding a new roommate this month. Perhaps it’s because your Craigslist ad is riddled with racist analogies that you’ve used to describe the kitchen, or maybe it’s because whenever anyone looks you in the eye, you assume that they are somehow stealing your childhood memories.

Libra

Oh Jesus Christ, Libra. Really? Are you serious? That’s great. That’s really great. No no, I’ll clean it up. I clearly have nothing better to do. Yeah, just leave. Leave me here with this nightmare of a mess. Jesus, what’s in this muck? I can’t tell if it smells more like burned erasers or clams. Why is it grey? This is just putrid, Libra. This is fucking monstrous.

Aries

Nothing is going to happen to you at all this month, Aries. Nothing. Your life is as bland as celery broth. It’s a drab heap of minutes and hours mashed into a dismal speck of desolation that seems eternal. The next thirty days is going to be a tedious, humdrum rigamarole of bullshit. You may as well inject corn syrup into your jugular and put yourself into a diabetic coma, because you wouldn’t miss a goddamn thing if you did. God I hate your life.

Taurus

Someone is out to get you. But someone nice. Don’t get me wrong, they WILL murder you, but it will be done in a very humane way and their intentions are pure. Right now they are feeding a stray cat and they currently have fourteen adopted children through World Vision, but within a week, you will be lifeless and they will be the cause.

Leo

Remember that thing that happened? Well, all the stuff from before that is totally crazy again. Can you please make a couple of those things to fix all this business? And don’t be all “Ueeh” about it, because that’s totally like, you know. Ok, thanks Mr. President.

Virgo

Your wireless network is a joke, Virgo. Do you have any idea how many people are taking advantage of you? Like, the whole building. The guy in apartment 4D returned his modem and solely uses your Wi-Fi now. There’s no password, and you have an open network called “Linksys”, which makes you look like a total amateur. I’m shocked that you are a web designer.

Scorpio

You really love porcelain owls, don’t you? You have twelve of them in your apartment, so I assume you do. There’s also a black velvet painting of a salamander wearing a sombrero in your hallway, a collection of princess Di commemorative plates hanging in the bathroom of all places, and vintage, laminated posters of Menudo on your bedroom ceiling. This all lead me to the following question: Have you ever been touched by another human being?

Pisces

The level of awkwardness that you exude when you’re socializing at work parties is astonishing. Every interaction you have is as clumsy as trying to plug a power cord into an outlet that’s behind a large home entertainment stand. Next time you attend one of these gatherings, avoid starting conversations about tense subjects like Stalingrad or euthanasia. You are the reason why home-schooled kids are a bad idea.

Sagittarius

You have to stop screaming into your pillow every time you see Angela. She’s gone. And she’s never coming back. Also, stop carrying that pillow around every time you go to her house to spy on her and her new family.

Cancer

Great news! You’re going to playwriting camp! You don’t have to thank me. I know how much you love your little stories, and this will give you a chance to share all your ideas with other kids with learning disabilities and step dads who want to unload their sweatpant-clad step-sons who smell like pencil shavings and Froot Loops.

Capricorn

Thank you for coming in for your annual performance review. Now, we listened to your customer service telephone recordings that we collected to ensure quality assurance, and we must say that we’re shocked. Yesterday you told a lady that her voice sounded like a trans-gendered water buffalo having throat spasms, and on Wednesday you put a man on hold for six and a half hours before re-routing his call to a 1-900 dating service in Porto Alegre. We’ve decided that you are an asset to us here at Verizon, and we’re increasing your wage by $4/hour. Congratulations, you now make $6/hour.

Gemini

What?– No!– Okay, what?– Oh!– No no no!– No, I’ll do it.– Ok.– Ummmmm. NO!– Well, did you ask him?– Hahahahaha. Yeah, that show is ludicrous.– Yeah, it’s like Buffy The Vampire Slayer meets The Red Shoe Diaries.– What? Shut UP!—Okay– Okay, you too.– See you later, asshole. Sorry, I was on the phone. You’re father is dead.

Oh, Jesus. It’s that guy again. That guy who clumsily jiggles the door open every night at 2am with the stink of Pabst and failure on him. Come on in, idiot. Sit down on the couch that I’ve been shedding and relaxing on all day, as you check your friendless facebook account on your broken, outdated Powerbook G4 Macintosh laptop missing it’s shift button.

Hey, moron, I think I’m going to walk across your keyboard and stick my ass in your face. ‘;.lpk,ijnuhbtfceszaz. Ha! I just made it look like you typed a bunch of gibberish like a 6-year-old pretending to know how to type. You like that, prick? Now I’ll scratch on the back door until you open it, and then I’ll pretend to lose interest and walk away from it, just to hear you murmur to yourself like a confused mongoloid.

Did you see what I did in the kitchen yesterday? I vomited. That’s right, that was me. I totally vomited all over the floor and then pooed a few feet from that. You like that, asshole? Did you have fun cleaning it up? Jerk? I don’t even give a shit. God I love having no sense of responsibility for my own stupid actions. I’m going to go into your room now and destroy something.

Oh, did I just needlessly rip up your cardboard file full of resumes with my teeth and claws? I guess I did. Oh well. I suppose I’ll take comfort in the fact that if you did anything bad to me, your room mate would kick you out of this house, where I would again sprawl out on this couch and watch as you meander down the street in the rain, homeless.

I have plans for tonight, you know. After you go to bed, at the exact moment you fall asleep, I’m going to run up and down the hall on the hard-wood floor right outside your room as noisily as I can. Yep. And then I’ll find something to bat around with my stupid paws, like that cat toy you tried to hide from me. You remember the one. The tiny, dirty, fur-covered stuffed duck with the little bell inside that jingles every time I hit it. I found it in your closet when I went in there to piss on your box of photos from home. I think I’ll toss that toy around for a a big chunk of the night. And maybe at around 4:15am, after meowing at odd intervals like an injured banshee for three hours, I’ll jump up on top of the fridge and knock over that bowl of receipts and opened letters. It’s going to be loud as fuck. God I hate you.

I noticed you bought a package of ear-plugs from the drug store. Was that so you could have a nice, silent night of deep REM sleep? Are you wondering where the earplugs went? Well, while you were out, I went into your room and I ate them. I absolutely did. I ate those little, orange, squishy, foam cylinders. Even though they’re not food. And you know where they ended up? In the puddle of puke in the kitchen that you cleaned up yesterday. Fuck you, you dumb dick.

Oh, you just turned the TV on. Great. Don’t mind me, I’ll just jump up on top of it and dangle my tail across the screen and obstruct your vision for a while. Is this your rented DVD you left up here shiny-side-up? Well I just ruined it with my claws and dropped it behind the entertainment system. That’s going to be a pain in the ass to retrieve, and you’ll probably get charged for the damage. Well, I best be off. I have to go to the window sill and stare out at the world with my weird, creepy, demon eyes and think of ways to slowly destroy your life. But I’ll be back though. I’ll let you know of my return by silently sneaking up, like a ninja, and biting your Achilles tendon for no good reason. Farewell, idiot. I hate you so so much.

Pisces

Everything is about to go batshit crazy, Pisces. Tomorrow morning, a section of your torso will be missing and gravity will have no affect on your body between 3:30 and 5pm. This week you will witness the seas part, and there on the exposed ocean floor will be the original cast members of Saved By The Bell nude and on fire. A ghost will appear in a saucepan and convince you to join a pyramid scheme, and Louis Riel will arm wrestle Captain Crunch in your bathtub. Get a disposable camera.

Taurus

Everything you do is flawless and brings us all toward a social Utopia that will end world hunger and obliterate awkward situations where you have to introduce someone to a person who’s name you can’t remember. All the other signs are shit. Gemini is a sell-out, Sagittarius smells his fingers on the bus, and Cancer keeps burning erasers in the attic with his “friends”. You rule, Taurus. This is not a biased reading, I promise.

Sagittarius

There has got to be a reason why your inner thighs smell like mushroom soup, Sagittarius. It’s time to go to a clinic. And if liquid that you don’t recognize comes out of your body , it’s never a positive thing. Get a job with health benefits or stop only eating food that comes from gas stations.

Aries

Remember when you would flirtatiously chase someone you liked around the schoolyard, and the pain you felt when they didn’t reciprocate the flirtation, and instead, screamed and told on you? It wasn’t because they thought you were ugly. It’s because they were eight years old. And you were twenty six. But you are ugly. And you will die alone.

Gemini

Yelling “Bingo!” is only appropriate in one place and under one circumstance. You are confusing everyone at the bank. Although I can see how you could mistake “B44” with the late 90’s triplet boy band, I do not understand however, why every time you see a picture of Fred Savage you punch the nearest person and take your clothes off before singing “Eye of The Tiger”. You are an enigma.

Virgo

The tables of road rage will turn this week when you accidentally jerk the steering wheel and end up in a TGIFridays full of schizophrenics who will think you are a time traveler who wants to steal their hair. They will be much more hostile than you when you deliberately rear ended a car because it had a bumper sticker that read “My honor roll student entitles me to boast publicly.”

Leo

Don’t listen to that meth dealer. There are better ways to motivate yourself to clean your house. Put on some up-beat music and dance while you mop, or smoke a few crack rocks and cast away your worries of cleanliness and replace them with manic motor skills and crippling paranoia.

Capricorn

Stop wearing ironic T-shirts, tight pants, vintage pump-up high tops, and neck bandanas. You are wearing a uniform for pretentiousness. And quit collecting black velvet paintings and rare vinyl records before going to coffee shops with your fake friends to make loud belittling comments on how they should watch indy films that you like. No one likes you anymore. You are an empty husk of self-congratulation.

Libra

Here are some life tips, Libra: 1) Cheese tastes great with wine, but cheese does not taste great in wine. 2) If you run out of clean plates, simply turn them upside down and pretend it’s a pedestal for your meal. There is nothing wrong with being creative. Go ahead and eat Ravioli out of the can with a hair comb. You can do what you want, because you are an independent woman.

Scorpio

Drinking ” the hair of the dog that bit you” only works for hangovers. Don’t take this literally. It does not cure rabies if you were actually bitten by a dog and then drink it’s fur. However, drinking a double Jack and Coke at eleven in the morning will also not cure the fact that you are an alcoholic.

Aquarius

Hey Aquarius, it’s me, Adam. Why haven’t you replied to any of my messages on friendster? Have you found a new socially unifying website? And why don’t I see you on ICQ anymore? Get back to me and hopefully we can hang out in a chat room or share song files on napster. Also, please send help. I am somehow trapped in 2002.

Cancer

I will tell you exactly why you have crabs. It’s not because that’s your astrological animal. It’s because your astrological symbol is a sideways 69. And that sexual position is what caused this. Any time you get pubic lice from someone’s face, you know they are trouble. I already talked to Sagittarius. We’ve made an appointment at the clinic.

The Cuckoo bird is brood parasite. That means that they, along with the locally indigenous Brown-headed Cowbird, lay their eggs in the nests of other different kinds of birds to be raised by them. This often goes unnoticed by the unsuspecting fowl and when the egg hatches, the hatchling is fed by the foster parent. And not only that, Cuckoos are pretty big, so the baby will dwarf the parent and push the surrounding non-Cuckoo babies out of the nest and hog all of the food.

So Cuckoos and Brown-headed Cowbirds abandon their young, as if in a basket on a door step. How irresponsible. I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if I one day saw a Cuckoo knock over a mailbox or ride a bike without a helmet. What careless, slapdash birds these Cuckoos be.

The following entry was written on May 15th, 2008 and was originally titled Tom Cochrane Is an Idiot:

Tom Cochrane once stated that life is a highway, and that he was going to ride it all night long. Really Tom? I would hope that one who enjoys life would want to ride it for a full average lifespan of 80-85 years rather than a mere night. You cannot, no matter how hard you try Tom, attend Martingrove Collegiate Institute, move to L.A., become a movie theme song writer, move back to Toronto, become a taxi driver, work as a cruise line entertainer, join a band called Red Rider, go to Africa and raise awareness for World Vision, make an album, sing the national anthem incorrectly at a baseball game, write two more albums, go on a national tour, get in a plane crash and survive, host the Juno awards, release another album, and then become Honorary Colonel of the Air Force’s 409 “Nighthawks” Tactical Fighter Squadron all in one night! Get real Tom! And yes, I realize that saying “life is a highway” is a metaphor. I’m not an imbecile. And stop insisting that I am. What I’m saying is you should have planned your road trip on this allegorical route much better. Get a few friends, split the gas, pack some sandwiches, take your camping gear, and don’t stop until you reach Mexico. Goodness gracious.

Months after writing this, while supervising a group of kids for a summer camp, I got a call from Tom Cochrane’s wife. At first I thought it was one of my friends making a joke but I slowly started to believe this woman. She was friendly, light hearted, but serious and this is what I remember from our conversation:

Tom’s Wife- “Hello is Adam Pateman there?”

Adam- (Flustered by the chaos of surrounding kids) “Yes just one sec. I mean, yes. This is. I am Adam. Speaking.”

TW- “Oh, so maybe you’re the idiot.”

A - “Uh, sorry what?”

TW- “This is Tom’s wife.”

A - “Oh hi!” (Tom who?)

TW- “I was just reading your blog entry, Tom Cochrane Is an Idiot.”

A- “Oh, yeah.”

TW- “That’s pretty harsh. Because Tom is not an idiot. In fact, I don’t think anyone out there should really be called an idiot.”

A- “Who is this?”

TW - “Tom’s wife. His wife of thirty years.”

A- “Oh, I see.”

TW – “And also, some of you’re information about all the things Tom has done are not actually true. He never moved to LA, and he’s done some pretty amazing things in his life, so I think you should do your research and get your facts straight because he’s certainly not an idiot.”

A – “Is this really Tom Cochrane’s wife.”

TW- “Yes. I came across your editorial when I was looking for something else, and I thought, Tom Cochrane’s an idiot? Hmm. And it was written the day after his birthday. So it’s like, hmm, happy birthday! And so much of it is incorrect.”

A- “Well, to be honest I just wrote down everything I could find about him on Wikipedia. So maybe Wikipedia is the idiot.”

TW- “You should look at Tom’s website. It would me much more accurate.”

A- “Most likely.”

TW- “And don’t get me wrong. I like the way it was written, but it did not pay him due respect. I think Tom would like and respect you if you had given him the chance.”

A- “Well for the record, the thing on my blog was a joke of course. It was just meant to be a play on words. I have no ill feelings towards him. In fact I do have a lot of respect for Tom Cochrane. I just thought it would be funny. Now I think I’ll change the entry or get rid of it. He’s not actually an idiot, and I hope you don’t think I am.”

TW- “I don’t think you’re an idiot.”

A - “Me neither.”

TW- “Well it sounds like you’re doing family things there, so I appreciate that. Thanks for talking with me and have a great day.”

A- “Yes. You too.”